1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:07,672
You're torching 2024.
3
00:00:07,673 --> 00:00:11,576
You got Sam Morril, Tim Dillon, Ms. Pat,
Mark Normand, Hannah Berner.
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
5
00:00:11,577 --> 00:00:12,510
Any predictions?
6
00:00:12,511 --> 00:00:14,280
Ooh! Vicious roast!
7
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:17,517
Love you too.
8
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:27,158
{\an8}What's up, everybody!
9
00:00:27,159 --> 00:00:30,495
I'm your bad boy for life, P. Diddy.
10
00:00:30,496 --> 00:00:33,364
Now, let's get this party started!
11
00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:37,135
Please welcome my bitch for tonight,
12
00:00:37,136 --> 00:00:39,737
the Roastmaster General,
13
00:00:39,738 --> 00:00:42,374
Jeff Ross!
14
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,885
Crappy old year!
15
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:57,822
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Torching 2024!
16
00:00:57,823 --> 00:01:00,592
How 'bout a hand for
the Squid Game guards? Great job.
17
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:06,666
Am I racist if I say they all look alike,
those Squid Game guys?
18
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:12,637
This is gonna be a wild night.
Oh, look at this!
19
00:01:12,638 --> 00:01:15,440
Dude, we got Diddy bartending,
he brought his lawyers with him.
20
00:01:15,441 --> 00:01:17,275
What's happening, fellas?
21
00:01:17,276 --> 00:01:18,444
Take a bow, guys.
22
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:21,648
This is great.
23
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,684
Got him on bail for the night, huh?
24
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:28,321
Maybe it's time to change
Diddy's name to Definitely.
25
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:34,525
Yes, we're gonna roast
all the big moments and trends of 2024.
26
00:01:34,526 --> 00:01:37,929
Uh, Diddy, can I get
a, uh, baby oil on the rocks?
27
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:39,497
Thank you.
28
00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:40,832
Hey, Diddy, if you're here,
29
00:01:40,833 --> 00:01:44,369
who's getting strangled in your cell
while the cameras malfunction?
30
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:48,341
Too soon?
31
00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:51,478
Not on this show.
32
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:55,146
Aliens over New Jersey,
Diddy's in trouble,
33
00:01:55,147 --> 00:01:57,182
big year for anal probes.
34
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,386
This is cool, man. What a year.
35
00:02:02,387 --> 00:02:04,422
What a fucking year.
36
00:02:04,423 --> 00:02:05,990
So--
37
00:02:05,991 --> 00:02:08,828
Gonna be incredible.
So many twists and turns.
38
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:13,632
Turns out the election wasn't fixed,
but the boxing match was.
39
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,034
Which reminds me,
if you're just tuning in,
40
00:02:17,035 --> 00:02:19,370
Netflix is fine. It's not buffering.
41
00:02:19,371 --> 00:02:20,739
I really look like this.
42
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:27,846
I know I look like Bruce Willis
if his trainer also had dementia.
43
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,518
I look like the kind of guy
who watches Squid Game
44
00:02:33,519 --> 00:02:35,488
hoping it's about calamari.
45
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:38,658
Thank you.
46
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:43,761
My fellow Americans,
yes, we remain a divided nation.
47
00:02:43,762 --> 00:02:48,168
But I think we can all agree on one thing,
the silver lining of the election,
48
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,470
is that Ellen DeGeneres left the country.
49
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,942
Let the healing begin.
50
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,444
Living in England's gonna be
kind of confusing for Ellen,
51
00:03:00,445 --> 00:03:02,947
you know, 'cause they drive
on the other side of the road there,
52
00:03:02,948 --> 00:03:05,117
and they only call you a cunt
when they like you.
53
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,756
Yeah!
54
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:13,457
Big year in music.
Diplo, what the fuck, are you serious?
55
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:16,127
Diplo's here! What's going on, buddy?
56
00:03:16,128 --> 00:03:18,863
This is so cool, all my friends are here.
57
00:03:18,864 --> 00:03:20,865
Simon... This is cool.
58
00:03:20,866 --> 00:03:23,568
Diplo, you're one of my favorite DJs.
59
00:03:23,569 --> 00:03:26,673
You know, Diplo's not short for "diploma",
I'll tell you that.
60
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:29,173
Nothing?
61
00:03:29,174 --> 00:03:30,777
All right.
62
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:33,277
It was a big year for music.
63
00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:38,584
Shout out to Taylor Swift, who just ended
her billion-dollar Eras Tour.
64
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:43,554
I went to the LA show. Did you go, Diplo?
65
00:03:43,555 --> 00:03:45,892
I went. It was amazing.
It was so emotional.
66
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,795
I even got my period for the first time.
67
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:55,032
But for me, no moment encapsulated
the insanity of this year
68
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:58,705
better than when Donald Trump worked
a drive-through window at McDonald's.
69
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:03,109
Wow. Even Grimace was like,
"That guy's got a weird-shaped body."
70
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:11,015
Yeah, but you gotta admit,
the biggest rise of the year
71
00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:12,884
has to be the Hawk Tuah Girl.
72
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,222
Remember Hawk Tuah Girl?
73
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:19,158
it was a real gags-to-riches story.
74
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:24,095
By the way, Haliey, Hawk Tuah,
if you're watching,
75
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:26,464
humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.
76
00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:31,303
Your video made blowjobs so popular,
even the Yankees blew the World Series.
77
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:39,343
Ohtani! Ohtani!
78
00:04:39,344 --> 00:04:40,511
Ohtani!
79
00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:43,281
Sure, Oppenheimer won
all the Oscars this year,
80
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:45,549
but Ohtani should've won best actor
81
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:47,787
for pretending he didn't
bet against the Yankees.
82
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:54,393
That's the nicest joke you're gonna hear
about Oppenheimer and a Japanese guy.
83
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,430
Definitely the wildest news of the year,
84
00:04:59,431 --> 00:05:02,168
Elon Musk bought the United States.
85
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,270
Wow!
86
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:07,340
We are a fixer-upper, I guess.
87
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:09,874
Now we're supposed to trust him
with the government
88
00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:13,346
even though the Cybertruck
got recalled six times this year.
89
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,179
But hey, at least it's soundproof,
90
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,481
which is great,
so when you pull out of your driveway,
91
00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:19,752
you can't hear
your own kids laughing at you.
92
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,858
The Cybertruck doesn't come
with a spare tire, but
93
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,193
apparently Elon does.
94
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,029
Look at that little belly.
95
00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:35,433
He wears those little t-shirts
that are too short for him.
96
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:38,538
Forget Mars,
maybe he should explore a Planet Fitness.
97
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,041
It's only ten dollars a month.
98
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,044
2024 was so crazy,
99
00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:48,848
Even Kanye went quiet.
100
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,282
That's how you know things are bad,
101
00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:53,886
when Kanye's like,
"No, I'm gonna sit this one out."
102
00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:57,254
Yep, Kanye went to Japan,
103
00:05:57,255 --> 00:05:59,156
Beyoncé went country,
104
00:05:59,157 --> 00:06:01,592
and any chance of a One Direction reunion
105
00:06:01,593 --> 00:06:03,362
went straight out the window.
106
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:08,099
Yep.
107
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,034
Diplo, you're not involved in this beef
108
00:06:10,035 --> 00:06:12,303
between Drake and Kendrick at all,
are you?
109
00:06:12,304 --> 00:06:13,840
No, you don't want any of that shit.
110
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:18,008
These two guys released
17 diss tracks back and forth
111
00:06:18,009 --> 00:06:19,844
insulting each other.
112
00:06:19,845 --> 00:06:22,682
Even Hamas is like, "Let it go already."
113
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,486
"Jeez! Get a room, guys!"
114
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:29,920
Call me sentimental,
but I miss old-school hip-hop
115
00:06:29,921 --> 00:06:31,991
when rappers would just shoot each other.
116
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:37,363
Poor Drake, he's the only Jew
who lost a war this year.
117
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:41,501
You liked that one?
118
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:44,368
Of course we couldn't torch 2024
119
00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:47,071
without two of its breakout TV stars.
120
00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:49,708
Give it up for Erik and Lyle,
the Menendez brothers.
121
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,043
Great to see you guys.
122
00:06:53,044 --> 00:06:54,113
Thank you.
123
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:56,549
How'd you get those killer seats?
124
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:01,654
When you were driving here,
did you argue over who'd get shotgun?
125
00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:06,157
What a story.
Anybody watch that Netflix show
126
00:07:06,158 --> 00:07:07,758
on the Menendez brothers?
127
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:09,360
What a story.
128
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:12,198
Too bad your lawyer couldn't do
what your dad did.
129
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:14,332
Get you off.
130
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:19,305
Oh, you think that's bad?
Wait till this one.
131
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:25,377
Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were ver...
132
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,481
I'm going to Hell for this one.
Maybe I shouldn't do it.
133
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,014
Do it!
134
00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:33,384
Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were very religious,
135
00:07:33,385 --> 00:07:37,255
but thanks to you guys, they became
the two holiest people in Beverly Hills.
136
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:42,928
Hey, who else saw the Wicked movie?
I loved it so much.
137
00:07:44,430 --> 00:07:47,231
Yeah. I enjoyed Wicked so much,
138
00:07:47,232 --> 00:07:48,835
I questioned if I was gay.
139
00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:51,735
Then I saw Gladiator II,
140
00:07:51,736 --> 00:07:53,539
and I knew I was gay.
141
00:07:56,776 --> 00:08:00,377
After Wicked, there were so many
women and gay guys crying in the lobby,
142
00:08:00,378 --> 00:08:02,748
I thought Trump won again.
143
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,921
This is fun.
144
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:13,624
Oh yeah, look at this!
The star of the Summer Olympics is here.
145
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:16,327
Give it up for
Australian breakdancer Raygun!
146
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:17,328
Hi, Raygun!
147
00:08:17,329 --> 00:08:19,499
What's up, what's up!
148
00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:21,300
Whoo!
149
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:22,935
Yeah!
150
00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:25,638
Hey!
151
00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:29,474
If your name's Raygun,
why do you dance like you're being tased?
152
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:40,253
A 2024 legend who got
the Olympic breakdancing canceled.
153
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:44,788
Raygun, your moves were so bad,
when the Special Olympics saw them,
154
00:08:44,789 --> 00:08:47,692
they were like, "You know what?
It's okay to say the word 'retard' again."
155
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,531
Raygun, everybody!
156
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:56,035
Hannah Berner!
She'll be back in a little while.
157
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:57,803
Wow!
158
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,304
And I gotta say, I'm really honored.
159
00:09:00,305 --> 00:09:03,607
This is, uh, really incredible
that this person's here.
160
00:09:03,608 --> 00:09:05,376
Our current president,
161
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:07,912
- Joe Biden's here. Mr. President.
- Hey, good to see you, America!
162
00:09:07,913 --> 00:09:09,813
- How you doing, America!
- Mr. President!
163
00:09:09,814 --> 00:09:12,149
How are we feeling? Happy early Kwanzaa!
164
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:13,617
Thank you for coming!
165
00:09:13,618 --> 00:09:15,319
How we doing? Yeah, doing good.
166
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,787
I can't stay long, though, Jeff.
167
00:09:16,788 --> 00:09:18,255
I've got a big election coming up.
168
00:09:18,256 --> 00:09:20,293
Come on!
169
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,328
I beg your pardon?
170
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,529
Sure, ain't no problem, how many you need?
I got pardons for days.
171
00:09:25,530 --> 00:09:28,899
You get a pardon,
you get a pardon, you get a pardon.
172
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:29,867
Hey, you get a pardon.
173
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:31,869
I'm gonna give Diplo a pardon
for those sunglasses.
174
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:34,405
There we go. Everybody gets a pardon.
175
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:36,173
Hey, tell P. Daddy over there,
176
00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:38,909
if you go and make me a gin and tonic
with no funny business,
177
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,078
I'll give you a pardon too.
178
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,782
- Oh!
- What else? What else?
179
00:09:44,783 --> 00:09:48,387
Holy dandruff, Jeff,
who's that hot lesbo playing drums?
180
00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:50,921
Oh!
181
00:09:50,922 --> 00:09:52,525
I'd love to sniff her head!
182
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:57,595
That's our band leader for tonight,
the great John Stamos!
183
00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:58,864
Yeah!
184
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:01,999
- Yeah!
- Have mercy.
185
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,969
Look at this guy!
Thank you for being here, John.
186
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:08,107
You're amazing. You're-you're aging
like fine Greek yogurt.
187
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,242
Hit it, baby!
188
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,283
Whoo!
189
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,053
Ladies and gentlemen,
190
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:22,822
let...
191
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,456
the torching...
192
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:27,125
...begin!
193
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:35,265
Our roasters are backstage getting ready.
194
00:10:35,266 --> 00:10:38,336
They can hear you,
so make some noise, roast fans!
195
00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:41,841
Fuck yeah!
196
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:47,044
First up are two of
the hottest solo acts in the game,
197
00:10:47,045 --> 00:10:49,113
but tonight, they're doing a double-team.
198
00:10:49,114 --> 00:10:51,982
Here they are, straight from a freak-off,
199
00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:54,051
to perform at our joke-off,
200
00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:58,624
my friends Sam Morril and Mark Normand!
201
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:09,602
What's up?
202
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,603
- Hey, hey!
- Oh my God, hey!
203
00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:14,505
- Comedy, huh?
- Hey.
204
00:11:14,506 --> 00:11:17,409
Jeff, you look amazing.
You look like the Great Gout-sby.
205
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,815
I know, Jesus.
Who wrote your jokes, FatGPT?
206
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,353
You look a photo negative of Steve Harvey.
207
00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:33,259
Ah, Jeff, you're anti-vax
but you're provolone.
208
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,493
Oh Diddy, help, help!
209
00:11:36,494 --> 00:11:38,495
Jeff, you look like
a fat Jewish dictator.
210
00:11:38,496 --> 00:11:40,166
You're like NetanYoo-hoo.
211
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:44,768
Guys! Take it easy. Mercy, guys, mercy.
212
00:11:44,769 --> 00:11:46,970
It's been a rough year.
I had cancer this year.
213
00:11:46,971 --> 00:11:48,105
- Oh jeez!
- Aw, shit.
214
00:11:48,106 --> 00:11:51,008
- Tomorrow's my last day of chemotherapy.
- All right.
215
00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:53,143
- All right, all right, okay!
- Thank you.
216
00:11:53,144 --> 00:11:54,611
- It's crazy.
- Wow!
217
00:11:54,612 --> 00:11:56,380
I'm gonna be okay, don't worry about me.
218
00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:57,748
- All right.
- I'm gonna be okay.
219
00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,616
This is very cathartic. I love you guys.
220
00:11:59,617 --> 00:12:01,785
- Love you, man.
- Hey, I'm glad you beat cancer
221
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:03,521
'cause even cancer hates you as a host.
222
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,192
Jeff, you're pretty fat
for a guy who beat cancer.
223
00:12:08,193 --> 00:12:09,662
You sure you didn't eat cancer?
224
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,864
If Jeff were the McDonald's shooter,
225
00:12:13,865 --> 00:12:16,669
when he was leaving, he'd have said,
"Leave the gun, take the McFlurry."
226
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:23,008
- We should do some Luigi jokes, right?
- Yes, do Luigi jokes!
227
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,175
Luigi!
228
00:12:25,176 --> 00:12:29,246
Apparently on the shell casings,
the bullets said, "Delay, deny, defend."
229
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:31,317
On Alec Baldwin's, they just said, "Oops."
230
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,687
And hey, that Luigi, he's a hunky guy.
No homo... I mean,
231
00:12:36,688 --> 00:12:37,590
no HMO.
232
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,760
Yeah, he got popped
by a McDonald's employee.
233
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:44,930
Should've gone to Popeyes,
they don't snitch.
234
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,931
A McDonald's employee turned in
235
00:12:47,932 --> 00:12:51,068
shooter Luigi Mangione
in Altoona, Pennsylvania,
236
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:52,102
when he became suspicious
237
00:12:52,103 --> 00:12:55,306
there was an attractive person
at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
238
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,710
Hey, they say
he's going to jail for a long time.
239
00:12:59,711 --> 00:13:02,314
But come on. Luigi?
He'll escape through the pipes.
240
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,085
Apparently he had back problems
and was pissed about it.
241
00:13:08,086 --> 00:13:11,288
I have back problems too. I think that's
the difference between Jews and Italians.
242
00:13:11,289 --> 00:13:13,726
We complain.
You guys actually do something about it.
243
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:18,430
He was Italian.
He was so Italian, his gun was homemade.
244
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:23,335
He was a professional shooter,
but his dad called him a "prosciutt".
245
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,272
That's true, but either way,
246
00:13:28,273 --> 00:13:29,908
he's still a better shooter than Bronny.
247
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,811
But look, I get the feeling, you know?
248
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:35,612
I lost 20K on that Hawk Tuah coin.
249
00:13:35,613 --> 00:13:36,715
I wish he'd shoot her.
250
00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:41,187
But she's already
used to taking shots on the back.
251
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,524
Oh jeez.
252
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:47,559
Jeff dropped his butt plug.
253
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,129
Hey, all right.
254
00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:53,664
Speaking of people going to jail soon,
255
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:56,902
crazy of all the groups Diddy produced,
he wasn't involved with Boyz II Men.
256
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,638
Hey, I read that entire indictment
from Jay to Z.
257
00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:02,675
Oh!
258
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,510
Yeah.
259
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,679
He was a great collaborator.
260
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,347
R. Kelly did all his rapes himself.
261
00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:12,218
At least Diddy shared. Just sayin'.
262
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:17,087
Ashton Kutcher and his wife are actually
moving to Europe to avoid Diddy drama.
263
00:14:17,088 --> 00:14:20,424
That is a bad sign when your wife asks
how close you were with Diddy and you go,
264
00:14:20,425 --> 00:14:21,493
"Let's leave the country."
265
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,563
Diddy's about to feel like
one of his songs in prison, 'cause
266
00:14:26,564 --> 00:14:28,500
he's about to get sampled, all right?
267
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,570
♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me down ♪
268
00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:35,074
Oh, I think they will.
269
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,908
Diddy's kids got handcuffed this year too.
270
00:14:37,909 --> 00:14:40,911
King and Justin, those are their names,
I think he favors one of them.
271
00:14:40,912 --> 00:14:42,081
But, uh...
272
00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:45,415
I wanna do that to my kids
just to ruin their childhoods.
273
00:14:45,416 --> 00:14:47,853
"These are my sons,
Big Dick Legend and Ralph."
274
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,422
"I love them equally."
275
00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:55,726
All right, let's change gears.
How about that Taylor Swift, huh?
276
00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:56,994
Oh yeah, that, uh...
277
00:14:56,995 --> 00:14:59,263
That Eras Tour was huge.
Those stadiums were filled with
278
00:14:59,264 --> 00:15:01,867
more 13-year-old screaming girls
than a Diddy party.
279
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,468
Taylor did so much this year.
280
00:15:04,469 --> 00:15:06,570
She's the hardest-working Taylor
in show business,
281
00:15:06,571 --> 00:15:08,641
except for the person
who does Lizzo's outfits.
282
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,975
Hey, Lizzo got canceled this year,
283
00:15:11,976 --> 00:15:13,210
but I stand behind her.
284
00:15:13,211 --> 00:15:14,380
You just can't see me.
285
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,548
Let's lighten it up.
286
00:15:18,549 --> 00:15:19,785
Stephen Hawking.
287
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,288
So...
288
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,621
The Epstein list was revealed this year,
289
00:15:24,622 --> 00:15:26,456
and some of the names were surprising.
290
00:15:26,457 --> 00:15:27,591
These are just allegations.
291
00:15:27,592 --> 00:15:30,429
Stephen Hawking was never charged,
except for when his battery ran low.
292
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:34,998
That must suck for these kids.
Imagine being on Epstein's island.
293
00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:36,268
You already hate vegetables.
294
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,103
Tough one. How do you punish a guy
295
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:42,374
who's already spent
his entire life in an electric chair?
296
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:47,077
Look, you know how hard that is in
his condition to get to Epstein's island?
297
00:15:47,078 --> 00:15:49,146
That is one horny paraplegic, huh?
298
00:15:49,147 --> 00:15:51,014
Yeah.
He deserves a round of applause.
299
00:15:51,015 --> 00:15:53,083
- I agree. Yeah.
- Yeah!
300
00:15:53,084 --> 00:15:54,985
- Come on!
- Yeah.
301
00:15:54,986 --> 00:15:56,820
This guy loves vagina.
302
00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:58,924
You could see it as a crippling addiction.
303
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,292
Okay, I feel bad making fun of the guy.
304
00:16:02,293 --> 00:16:04,495
He can't even drive,
but he loves to traffic.
305
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:10,567
Look, I get it.
He does have an incurable genetic disease.
306
00:16:10,568 --> 00:16:11,570
He's a pedophile.
307
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:14,740
Allegedly.
308
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,308
You know,
they interviewed the Epstein pilot,
309
00:16:18,309 --> 00:16:21,578
and he said every underage person he saw
on the flight was with a parent or adult,
310
00:16:21,579 --> 00:16:23,916
and I was like,
"Yeah, those are two different things."
311
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,186
Can't go to the playground...
"Is that your son?"
312
00:16:29,187 --> 00:16:30,089
"It's a kid."
313
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:34,493
- Thank you very much, guys. Good night!
- Thank you, good night!
314
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,862
Give it up for Faggot and Costello!
315
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:42,265
I love you guys.
Mark Normand, you're amazing.
316
00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:43,934
- Thank you.
- Sam Morril, love you so much.
317
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:45,437
You're amazing, buddy.
318
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,806
- Thank you.
- Incredible, guys.
319
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,476
I was laughing so hard.
320
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,578
You having fun up there in the balcony?
Everybody good?
321
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:55,814
All right.
322
00:16:57,049 --> 00:17:00,050
You may know our next roaster
from her hit sitcom
323
00:17:00,051 --> 00:17:02,052
or her sold-out comedy tours.
324
00:17:02,053 --> 00:17:05,355
Tonight, she's here
to bring the year to its knees.
325
00:17:05,356 --> 00:17:07,457
The Southern belle from ATL,
326
00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:10,461
make it loud for Ms. Pat!
327
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:28,011
So this year, y'all, I made a mistake
328
00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:30,614
of caring about what people think.
329
00:17:30,615 --> 00:17:33,216
After I did Club Shay Shay podcast,
330
00:17:33,217 --> 00:17:36,588
I read the comments section,
and it fucked me up.
331
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:40,726
I've never been called fat
so much in my damn life,
332
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:43,028
just from Shannon Sharpe.
333
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:48,100
And people went crazy
with Ozempic this year.
334
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,700
I'm not ashamed to say it. I tried it.
335
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,171
It didn't work for me.
336
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:56,575
Apparently, you gotta shoot it in your ass
and not put it in your milkshake.
337
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:03,180
Aren't y'all tired of
all of this fake-ass body positivity shit?
338
00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:06,616
And these people who preach
this body-positivity shit
339
00:18:06,617 --> 00:18:08,318
is the first ones that turn on you.
340
00:18:08,319 --> 00:18:09,686
Look what happened to Lizzo
341
00:18:09,687 --> 00:18:12,489
after she had that scandal
with her background dancer.
342
00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:14,191
At first, everybody was like,
343
00:18:14,192 --> 00:18:17,027
"She's so brave
to put on that damn two-piece...
344
00:18:17,028 --> 00:18:19,098
I mean, eight-piece swimsuit."
345
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:24,568
As soon as they learned she liked
eatin' bananas out of stripper pussies,
346
00:18:24,569 --> 00:18:25,804
they let her have it.
347
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,006
Everyone was like, "Oh hell, no."
348
00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:35,078
"What the hell that knock-kneed,
flute-footed, sagging ass, Paul Bunyan,
349
00:18:35,079 --> 00:18:37,149
extra greasy,
350
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,252
built like an uncle bitch do."
351
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:43,988
White people, you can laugh.
She ain't gonna see this.
352
00:18:46,925 --> 00:18:50,327
Y'all know Hollywood started
this body-positivity trend,
353
00:18:50,328 --> 00:18:53,230
and they don't even
cast fat people anymore.
354
00:18:53,231 --> 00:18:55,632
They let Colin Farrell play the Penguin.
355
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:58,170
Where that shit at? This...
Look at this man right here.
356
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:00,539
And look at Jeff Ross tonight.
357
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,645
Tell me he ain't the damn Penguin.
358
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:13,352
I saw Jeff Ross backstage
eating fish out of a damn bucket.
359
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,455
In 2024, y'all,
360
00:19:18,456 --> 00:19:21,825
celebrities spent all this money
to lose weight.
361
00:19:21,826 --> 00:19:23,226
Look at Adele ass,
362
00:19:23,227 --> 00:19:25,330
looking like a Canadian Wonder Woman.
363
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,864
And look at Jelly Roll ass,
364
00:19:27,865 --> 00:19:30,068
looking like a big back Post Malone.
365
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,171
And look at Ice Spice.
366
00:19:34,172 --> 00:19:35,974
Her ass done melt away.
367
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,942
Can somebody please tell this Orphan Annie
368
00:19:38,943 --> 00:19:41,446
she don't rap good enough
to have a flat ass?
369
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,085
That's why I fuck with rapper Dave Blunts.
370
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,488
He's a... Look at his big ass.
You see him? Here.
371
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,157
White dude,
you see that big nigga back there?
372
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,928
He's an unapologetic diabetic.
373
00:19:57,429 --> 00:20:01,898
It's easy to make fun of Dave,
yes, it is, 'cause he's a 500-pound,
374
00:20:01,899 --> 00:20:04,403
sitting on the couch with an oxygen mask.
375
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:08,373
The only problem is,
is he got a white woman by his side.
376
00:20:08,907 --> 00:20:11,076
Must you bitches take all the good ones?
377
00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:14,678
But one thing I can tell you,
378
00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:19,051
you never see an episode of
600-lb Life where they by themselves.
379
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,821
They always got somebody there
to kiss them goodnight.
380
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:26,625
To take them to the local car wash
to get a shower.
381
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:31,628
And they always got a woman
who willing to kick 'em in the stomach
382
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:33,966
so they dick pop out like a cash register.
383
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,770
I need some help understanding something.
384
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:43,340
Why was everybody hating on
the nepo babies this year?
385
00:20:43,341 --> 00:20:45,408
My son worked on my sitcom.
386
00:20:45,409 --> 00:20:47,613
I hired and fired him every damn season.
387
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:51,448
If successful parents
don't help their kids out,
388
00:20:51,449 --> 00:20:53,617
they might end up a damn criminal,
389
00:20:53,618 --> 00:20:55,952
or worse, asking us for our damn money.
390
00:20:55,953 --> 00:20:57,420
Ain't that right, Joe Biden?
391
00:20:57,421 --> 00:20:58,724
Yes, Queen.
392
00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,794
You do know I ain't Queen Latifah, right?
393
00:21:04,795 --> 00:21:06,098
Hey, I don't see color.
394
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,599
- Come on.
- Come on up here.
395
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,672
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for
the sleepiest president in the world!
396
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:15,941
Joe Biden!
397
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,245
- Hey.
- You all right?
398
00:21:22,246 --> 00:21:24,049
I can't see. Happy early Kwanzaa.
399
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:25,915
You know, I get a lot of...
400
00:21:25,916 --> 00:21:28,785
I get a lot of crap for pardoning Hunter.
He's not a nepo baby.
401
00:21:28,786 --> 00:21:30,555
He's a nepo man, baby!
402
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:34,491
Nobody has ever said
anything nice about my boy.
403
00:21:34,492 --> 00:21:36,459
A lot of you guys don't know this,
but Hunter
404
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:38,363
bought that crack with his own money.
405
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:45,035
Oh, there's no way Michael B. Jordan
would have been in those Rocky movies
406
00:21:45,036 --> 00:21:46,738
if his dad didn't play for the Bulls.
407
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:55,180
I mean, come on, you can do anything when
your dad's friends with Scottie Pippin.
408
00:21:56,181 --> 00:21:58,214
Well said, Mr. President.
409
00:21:58,215 --> 00:22:00,752
Come on, let's do a cool Black handshake
and get out of here.
410
00:22:02,254 --> 00:22:04,688
No, y'all white men
don't wash your hands after y'all piss.
411
00:22:04,689 --> 00:22:06,923
- All right, rain check, rain check.
- Wow.
412
00:22:06,924 --> 00:22:09,326
I seen y'all niggas go to the bathroom.
413
00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:12,864
Give it up for the President
and his new nurse.
414
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,599
Oh wait.
415
00:22:15,434 --> 00:22:17,233
Mr. President, are you having fun so far?
416
00:22:17,234 --> 00:22:19,269
I'm having a blast, Jeff.
Hit me, Uncle Jesse.
417
00:22:19,270 --> 00:22:20,171
Wow.
418
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:26,011
Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
419
00:22:27,746 --> 00:22:30,146
- This way, Mr. President.
- We got a great show for you.
420
00:22:30,147 --> 00:22:31,681
Coldplay is here tonight!
421
00:22:31,682 --> 00:22:33,550
- This way, Mr. President.
- Cold...
422
00:22:33,551 --> 00:22:35,287
Who just shit my pants?
423
00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:39,055
This way. Pat, help him.
424
00:22:39,056 --> 00:22:40,692
- Hey.
- Wow!
425
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,327
Wow.
426
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,897
Incredible.
427
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:50,066
Comedy, bringing people together.
428
00:22:50,067 --> 00:22:52,936
Roasting, healing the world.
429
00:22:52,937 --> 00:22:55,171
Right now, there's
a profound division in this country.
430
00:22:55,172 --> 00:22:57,307
And I think a lot of that is because
431
00:22:57,308 --> 00:23:00,677
we don't listen to each other
until it's too late.
432
00:23:00,678 --> 00:23:03,248
Sometimes people take matters
into their own hands,
433
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,250
like Luigi Mangione.
434
00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:09,454
I heard Luigi's new nickname is
the Uni-brower.
435
00:23:11,289 --> 00:23:13,125
But who better to heal us
436
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:17,062
and remind us we're at our best
when we're united
437
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,966
than the former UnitedHealthcare CEO,
438
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,769
yes, back from the dead,
439
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:28,473
the late, great Brian Thompson.
440
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:39,315
You lousy socialist pigs!
441
00:23:39,316 --> 00:23:41,518
Is this what you want?
442
00:23:41,519 --> 00:23:43,720
Laugh it up! Here's a...
443
00:23:43,721 --> 00:23:46,558
Here's the free medicine, there you go!
444
00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,761
That's fentanyl, have as much as you want!
445
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:53,165
It's fentanyl laced with more fentanyl.
446
00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:55,500
I'm Brian Thompson.
447
00:23:57,803 --> 00:23:59,068
I...
448
00:23:59,069 --> 00:24:02,174
I'm going to Hell for this,
you might as well laugh. I...
449
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:03,940
I...
450
00:24:03,941 --> 00:24:05,675
I'm the CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
451
00:24:05,676 --> 00:24:07,844
and I understand
a lot of you are happy I'm dead.
452
00:24:07,845 --> 00:24:12,582
Yeah, I read the tweets.
453
00:24:12,583 --> 00:24:14,820
You don't think they have X in Hell?
454
00:24:15,554 --> 00:24:17,756
That's all they have in Hell.
455
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:22,761
Half the people commenting on there
are burning in a pot of boiling oil.
456
00:24:23,762 --> 00:24:27,666
Let me tell you something, your reaction
to my murder makes me sick.
457
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,667
And not the type of sick
I would immediately deny
458
00:24:30,668 --> 00:24:33,336
for not having the proper paperwork.
459
00:24:33,337 --> 00:24:35,407
You gotta have the paperwork!
460
00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:39,911
You should be thanking me for what I did.
461
00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:41,578
I'm the hero.
462
00:24:41,579 --> 00:24:44,781
In fact, as I was laying there
with that hunky,
463
00:24:44,782 --> 00:24:48,186
unibrowed Italian kid,
Linguine Mascarpone...
464
00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:52,555
standing over my bleeding body,
465
00:24:52,556 --> 00:24:56,628
my last thought was, "I love my job."
466
00:24:57,929 --> 00:25:00,730
I do. Because I help people.
467
00:25:00,731 --> 00:25:03,500
Not by giving them healthcare,
but by denying it.
468
00:25:03,501 --> 00:25:05,770
Oh, your nana needs her insulin?
469
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:07,871
Your nana needs her insulin.
470
00:25:07,872 --> 00:25:11,209
Maybe your nana needs
to make better choices.
471
00:25:12,244 --> 00:25:16,079
Maybe one less
Little Debbie cake after dinner,
472
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,549
and you wouldn't need
Big Pharma to bail you out
473
00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:21,219
of an early grave.
474
00:25:21,753 --> 00:25:25,790
But you didn't think about that,
did you, you selfish bitch?
475
00:25:26,591 --> 00:25:27,423
But what do I know?
476
00:25:27,424 --> 00:25:31,060
I only ran a company voted
America's most innovative provider
477
00:25:31,061 --> 00:25:34,531
by Fortune Magazine three years in a row.
478
00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:36,900
That's right. Innovative.
479
00:25:36,901 --> 00:25:38,902
When you submitted a claim,
480
00:25:38,903 --> 00:25:40,872
other companies said no.
481
00:25:41,406 --> 00:25:42,539
We said,
482
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,476
"Fuck no!"
483
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,944
You think we put you on hold too much?
484
00:25:47,945 --> 00:25:49,948
We think you call too much.
485
00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:51,483
How 'bout that?
486
00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:55,451
Oh, your daughter has leukemia, huh?
Just yours?
487
00:25:55,452 --> 00:25:57,122
Just yours?
488
00:25:59,424 --> 00:26:02,225
And if you love her so much,
why don't you get off the phone,
489
00:26:02,226 --> 00:26:04,796
take her for ice cream,
take her wig shopping?
490
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,471
He's dead. Now...
491
00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:19,142
The truth is, without people like me
492
00:26:19,143 --> 00:26:21,811
fucking over people like you,
493
00:26:21,812 --> 00:26:23,848
to help people like me,
494
00:26:24,349 --> 00:26:26,418
this country would fall apart.
495
00:26:27,052 --> 00:26:28,286
And that's on you.
496
00:26:34,326 --> 00:26:37,260
And look at yourselves
dancing in the streets,
497
00:26:37,261 --> 00:26:41,433
because that guy, Tortellini Mozzarella,
took me by surprise
498
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,103
like an unexpected medical bill
and shot me in the back.
499
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:48,071
Apparently, he had his own back problems.
500
00:26:48,072 --> 00:26:49,639
I'm sorry, Luigi,
501
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,910
but nobody feels bad
for a thin guy with back problems.
502
00:26:53,911 --> 00:26:55,714
Claim denied!
503
00:26:58,550 --> 00:27:01,351
But if you're happy I'm dead,
the joke's on you.
504
00:27:01,352 --> 00:27:03,586
Most people think
I'm out of the game right now
505
00:27:03,587 --> 00:27:05,256
because I'm rotting in Hell.
506
00:27:06,057 --> 00:27:08,126
Wrong! I'm working remote.
507
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:11,728
And harder than ever.
508
00:27:11,729 --> 00:27:16,799
Just the opposite. Where do you think
the UnitedHealthcare headquarters is?
509
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,438
That's right, down there
where the market's always hot.
510
00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,341
Right next to BlackRock and Ben and Jerry's.
511
00:27:25,844 --> 00:27:28,344
The Devil is on the board
of UnitedHealthcare,
512
00:27:28,345 --> 00:27:29,812
and now I've got his ear.
513
00:27:29,813 --> 00:27:32,949
And if you think I'm gonna hold back,
you're dead wrong.
514
00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:36,219
I'm taking healthcare
to a new level of Hell. That's right.
515
00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:39,188
The machine keeps rolling. Rolling on,
516
00:27:39,189 --> 00:27:42,761
just like your uncle's wheelchair
we no longer cover in his plan.
517
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:46,929
Deny, defend, decompose!
518
00:27:46,930 --> 00:27:48,865
I'll see you at the retreat,
519
00:27:48,866 --> 00:27:51,234
and I'll see you down here very soon,
520
00:27:51,235 --> 00:27:52,504
Hawk Tuah!
521
00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:56,207
Goodnight, everybody!
522
00:27:57,442 --> 00:27:58,843
Tim Dillon, everyone!
523
00:27:59,544 --> 00:28:01,012
Holy shit!
524
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:06,416
Now the new CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
Tim Dillon.
525
00:28:06,417 --> 00:28:08,286
That was a great DEAD Talk.
526
00:28:09,387 --> 00:28:12,257
Amazing. One more time
for our friend Tim Dillon.
527
00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:14,426
That was fucking crazy.
528
00:28:15,794 --> 00:28:19,295
You may know our next roaster
from her hit Netflix special,
529
00:28:19,296 --> 00:28:21,798
or as Raygun
at the beginning of this roast.
530
00:28:21,799 --> 00:28:25,836
Here to torch Tinseltown
is the amazing Hannah Berner!
531
00:28:40,752 --> 00:28:44,121
You guys, welcome to
the Temu Tom Brady roast!
532
00:28:46,324 --> 00:28:49,892
It is so nice to be in LA
for the final season of Hollywood,
533
00:28:49,893 --> 00:28:51,894
'cause it's a mess out here.
534
00:28:51,895 --> 00:28:53,930
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly broke up.
535
00:28:53,931 --> 00:28:58,169
She claimed she found
"disturbing material" on his phone.
536
00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,505
I'm guessing it was his new album.
537
00:29:03,374 --> 00:29:06,676
You know, the broke up two weeks after
her pregnancy announcement.
538
00:29:06,677 --> 00:29:08,544
Such an American story.
539
00:29:08,545 --> 00:29:10,615
A machine gun ruining a family.
540
00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:15,885
Drake did a diss track on Kendrick
this year, and then sued him,
541
00:29:15,886 --> 00:29:18,890
which is exactly what you'd expect
from a Black Jew.
542
00:29:21,292 --> 00:29:23,194
The word "cunt" was trending this year.
543
00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:25,697
I don't think Blake Lively was that bad.
544
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:30,700
Luigi's so hot right now.
545
00:29:30,701 --> 00:29:35,171
Who knew, besides Travis Kelce, that
you could become so popular with women
546
00:29:35,172 --> 00:29:37,474
by shooting loads into a billionaire?
547
00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:45,014
Now, I think girls love Luigi
'cause he made a plan,
548
00:29:45,015 --> 00:29:46,549
he showed up on time,
549
00:29:46,550 --> 00:29:49,786
and engraved messages
in every single bullet.
550
00:29:49,787 --> 00:29:52,588
Can you imagine what he would do
for your anniversary?
551
00:29:52,589 --> 00:29:54,225
Oh my God.
552
00:29:55,193 --> 00:29:57,760
You guys, nowadays,
anyone could become a star.
553
00:29:57,761 --> 00:30:01,864
A woman made $41 million
on OnlyFans this year.
554
00:30:01,865 --> 00:30:04,133
That's the same salary as Aaron Rodgers,
555
00:30:04,134 --> 00:30:06,538
except she sucked less balls.
556
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:10,740
I'm so serious right now,
he's the worst Jet to come to New York
557
00:30:10,741 --> 00:30:11,910
since 9/11.
558
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,414
I can say that 'cause
I'm from New York, you fake fucks.
559
00:30:18,750 --> 00:30:21,584
Chappell Roan says
she "doesn't want attention"
560
00:30:21,585 --> 00:30:24,589
while dressing like
a colorful Big Bird in heat.
561
00:30:26,858 --> 00:30:29,192
Look, I don't know
what a Chappell Roan is,
562
00:30:29,193 --> 00:30:31,930
but I definitely don't want her
reading to my kids.
563
00:30:35,133 --> 00:30:37,366
John Stamos is here! I'm so excited.
564
00:30:37,367 --> 00:30:40,104
He's the only uncle
that I ever wanted to touch me.
565
00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:47,176
You know things aren't great
when kids are safer in the Gaza Strip
566
00:30:47,177 --> 00:30:49,547
than at the Nickelodeon
Kids' Choice Awards.
567
00:30:51,783 --> 00:30:53,249
Someone just said, "Jesus."
568
00:30:53,250 --> 00:30:54,152
Be with you.
569
00:30:55,753 --> 00:30:58,721
Actors are struggling so bad
to stay relevant
570
00:30:58,722 --> 00:31:02,093
that a few of them are looking forward
to being named in the Diddy case.
571
00:31:06,397 --> 00:31:09,567
There was a lot of news this year
about a dancing wicked witch, but then
572
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:11,569
Ellen moved to England.
573
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,571
No, but look at the celebs nowadays.
574
00:31:15,572 --> 00:31:17,640
Gypsy-Rose, the Menendez brothers.
575
00:31:17,641 --> 00:31:20,543
It seems like the only way
to get a show on Netflix
576
00:31:20,544 --> 00:31:22,213
is to murder your parents.
577
00:31:22,981 --> 00:31:24,547
Someone tell Barron Trump
578
00:31:24,548 --> 00:31:26,184
I could make him a star.
579
00:31:29,621 --> 00:31:31,854
Thank you so much to Netflix!
580
00:31:31,855 --> 00:31:33,322
Thank you, Jeff Ross!
581
00:31:33,323 --> 00:31:35,258
And thank you, Beyoncé!
582
00:31:35,259 --> 00:31:36,826
Thank you to Beyoncé!
583
00:31:36,827 --> 00:31:40,331
- Give it up for Hannah, everybody!
- Thank you! Thank you!
584
00:31:42,700 --> 00:31:45,003
There are so many amazing things
585
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:48,437
that we all forgot about in 2024.
586
00:31:48,438 --> 00:31:52,608
So now I wanna do a little gang roast of
some of the stuff that happened this year.
587
00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:55,211
Anybody remember
the eclipse happened in April?
588
00:31:55,212 --> 00:31:56,613
Did you forget already?
589
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:01,252
I knew they shouldn't have booked Lizzo
for a daytime outdoor concert.
590
00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:04,720
Tim, did you do anything for the eclipse?
591
00:32:04,721 --> 00:32:06,155
Yeah, it's the perfect adventure
592
00:32:06,156 --> 00:32:08,726
for somebody too poor and lazy
to see the northern lights.
593
00:32:10,328 --> 00:32:11,494
Real scum.
594
00:32:11,495 --> 00:32:14,931
I feel like the sun went light to dark,
and back to light again,
595
00:32:14,932 --> 00:32:16,234
like Ariana Grande.
596
00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:18,668
Oh, I thought that was Jesus' booty hole.
597
00:32:18,669 --> 00:32:20,703
Yes, the eclipse!
598
00:32:20,704 --> 00:32:23,508
I'm getting eclipsed
by Ms. Pat right now. Wow.
599
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:27,476
I didn't even remember this happening,
600
00:32:27,477 --> 00:32:30,079
but somebody was telling me
that when the movie Dune came out,
601
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,184
the popcorn buckets were very provocative.
602
00:32:33,751 --> 00:32:35,117
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
603
00:32:35,118 --> 00:32:37,855
If you eat it correctly,
it butters itself. What are you gonna...
604
00:32:39,557 --> 00:32:41,326
Looks like Ms. Pat bent over.
605
00:32:43,561 --> 00:32:45,594
- Get him, Ms. Pat!
- Oh shit! Okay.
606
00:32:45,595 --> 00:32:47,632
That look like the pussy Jeff Ross buys.
607
00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:50,733
Cheaper than a prostitute,
608
00:32:50,734 --> 00:32:53,237
and if you break it,
you don't have to bury it in the woods.
609
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,308
This is what all vaginas look like to me.
610
00:32:59,877 --> 00:33:01,711
Yeah, it's just like I tell my Fleshlight,
611
00:33:01,712 --> 00:33:03,112
"My body, my choice." Come on.
612
00:33:03,113 --> 00:33:06,050
Man, you got more lines than your son.
613
00:33:07,919 --> 00:33:10,219
- Hey, that's good!
- Take that back, Mark Normand!
614
00:33:10,220 --> 00:33:11,854
- Hey, that's good.
- Hey.
615
00:33:11,855 --> 00:33:15,624
I'll come over there and [stammers]...
I'll come over there and...
616
00:33:15,625 --> 00:33:18,629
Hey, you're a good guy.
You're a good guy. I like him.
617
00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:21,899
That guy over there,
it's the first gay guy I ever met live.
618
00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:26,936
Speaking of kids
ruining their parents' lives,
619
00:33:26,937 --> 00:33:29,739
did you guys follow this at all?
Did you watch the Gypsy-Rose...
620
00:33:29,740 --> 00:33:32,041
- Do you follow her on TikTok?
- I love her.
621
00:33:32,042 --> 00:33:34,076
I will always support
a woman's right to choose
622
00:33:34,077 --> 00:33:35,213
to kill their mother.
623
00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:39,217
Black parents lock their door.
You can't get to us that easy.
624
00:33:41,252 --> 00:33:42,520
We'll fuck you up.
625
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:45,289
"Parents"? There's no dad.
626
00:33:48,226 --> 00:33:49,060
Oh shit.
627
00:33:49,627 --> 00:33:50,793
- That was funny.
- Jesus.
628
00:33:50,794 --> 00:33:52,897
Mark Normand, ding, ding, ding, ding!
629
00:33:53,765 --> 00:33:55,698
No... Ah!
630
00:33:55,699 --> 00:33:57,835
That was tonight's
Doritos Joke of the Night!
631
00:34:00,671 --> 00:34:02,540
January 6th was more planned than this.
632
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:05,641
That's probably true.
633
00:34:05,642 --> 00:34:07,877
Jesus Christ.
634
00:34:07,878 --> 00:34:09,278
I don't give a shit about this.
635
00:34:09,279 --> 00:34:10,748
- Can I do a drones joke?
- Yes.
636
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:13,149
- Please, 'cause mine sucks.
- Yeah.
637
00:34:13,150 --> 00:34:15,017
- You saw the drones in Jersey?
- Yeah.
638
00:34:15,018 --> 00:34:17,286
Usually when a guy from Jersey says,
"What is that thing?"
639
00:34:17,287 --> 00:34:18,790
he's talking about a trans person.
640
00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:22,326
That's tonight's
Fruit by the Foot Joke of the Night.
641
00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:25,830
- Boom!
- This guy over here.
642
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,664
Here's one that really confused me.
643
00:34:28,665 --> 00:34:31,335
John Krasinski, is that his name?
He was named
644
00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:35,204
People Magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive this year.
645
00:34:35,205 --> 00:34:37,442
Look at this guy.
I like that he's sad on the cover.
646
00:34:37,975 --> 00:34:40,912
That's how I look right after
I whack off to pictures of his wife.
647
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,680
Like, even he knows he doesn't deserve it.
648
00:34:44,681 --> 00:34:45,750
Bullshit!
649
00:34:46,818 --> 00:34:49,652
- Luckily no one cares about this stuff.
- I care about this stuff.
650
00:34:49,653 --> 00:34:50,553
What?
651
00:34:50,554 --> 00:34:53,391
Krasinski wasn't even
the sexiest man on The Office.
652
00:34:54,425 --> 00:34:56,525
Everyone knows it goes
Carell, Craig Robinson,
653
00:34:56,526 --> 00:34:57,726
the dude who played Meredith,
654
00:34:57,727 --> 00:34:58,930
- then Krasinski.
- Right.
655
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:02,098
- Sounds like somebody's jelly!
- No!
656
00:35:02,099 --> 00:35:05,034
Are you jealous because
you've never been named Sexiest Man?
657
00:35:05,035 --> 00:35:06,168
No!
658
00:35:06,169 --> 00:35:07,436
Come on, Stamos.
659
00:35:07,437 --> 00:35:08,871
- Little bit.
- Really?
660
00:35:08,872 --> 00:35:11,742
Those fucking people at People
had me on a 30-year losing streak.
661
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:14,710
You know who loves me
who doesn't know Krasinski exists?
662
00:35:14,711 --> 00:35:15,980
Women that still buy magazines.
663
00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:18,547
Who else?
664
00:35:18,548 --> 00:35:20,351
Gay guys who still buy magazines.
665
00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:22,386
- I'm an ally.
- You certainly are.
666
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:26,455
By the way, I'm so proud of you
and I'm so happy you're in recovery,
667
00:35:26,456 --> 00:35:28,025
- in remission.
- Thank you, man.
668
00:35:29,527 --> 00:35:32,528
I can't lose any more funny people.
The world can't.
669
00:35:32,529 --> 00:35:34,832
This looks like
the before and after of Ozempic.
670
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:38,467
I just realized
this is Jeff's Make-A-Wish.
671
00:35:38,468 --> 00:35:39,902
This is so cute.
672
00:35:39,903 --> 00:35:41,937
Let's be honest,
this was the election result
673
00:35:41,938 --> 00:35:45,574
that pissed most Americans off, but
next year we'll take back what's ours.
674
00:35:45,575 --> 00:35:47,309
Let's make America sexy again.
675
00:35:47,310 --> 00:35:48,344
Stamos 2025!
676
00:35:48,345 --> 00:35:50,913
Yeah!
677
00:35:50,914 --> 00:35:52,781
- I love you, John Stamos!
- I love you, Jeff.
678
00:35:52,782 --> 00:35:54,652
You're a legend in my life.
679
00:35:55,887 --> 00:35:57,386
Play something sexy for me.
680
00:35:57,387 --> 00:35:59,221
Play one more sexy thing for me,
all right?
681
00:35:59,222 --> 00:36:00,991
- What do you got?
- I love this band.
682
00:36:02,226 --> 00:36:04,360
Now it's time for us to honor
683
00:36:04,361 --> 00:36:07,331
some of our fallen celebrities
that we lost this year.
684
00:36:08,933 --> 00:36:10,034
O.J. Simpson.
685
00:36:11,702 --> 00:36:13,302
If the casket don't fit,
686
00:36:13,303 --> 00:36:14,305
you must acquit.
687
00:36:16,574 --> 00:36:19,143
O.J. was known
for his rushing and receiving.
688
00:36:19,710 --> 00:36:22,647
But this year, way more fans
celebrated his passing.
689
00:36:25,383 --> 00:36:27,516
O.J. died peacefully, surrounded by
690
00:36:27,517 --> 00:36:29,987
his very gullible friends and family.
691
00:36:32,456 --> 00:36:36,525
When I first heard that
country star Toby Keith passed away,
692
00:36:36,526 --> 00:36:38,527
I cried a little bit, and then I realized
693
00:36:38,528 --> 00:36:40,598
I was mixing him up with Keith Urban.
694
00:36:44,135 --> 00:36:46,902
One of the biggest music producers
in the world, Quincy Jones,
695
00:36:46,903 --> 00:36:49,140
we lost him at 91 this year.
696
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:50,940
People don't realize this.
697
00:36:50,941 --> 00:36:53,010
Quincy's middle name was Delight.
698
00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:56,514
De light is also what he saw
right before he died.
699
00:36:58,649 --> 00:37:02,084
Quincy Jones was also
a legendary jazz producer.
700
00:37:02,085 --> 00:37:05,189
In fact, his last wish was
to have his ashes scatted.
701
00:37:11,462 --> 00:37:14,530
Quincy composed music
for award-winning films,
702
00:37:14,531 --> 00:37:16,398
but he always said his greatest score
703
00:37:16,399 --> 00:37:18,636
was the heroin he got from Ray Charles.
704
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:25,409
We also lost another award-winning talent
in the great actor James Earl Jones.
705
00:37:26,143 --> 00:37:28,545
He was amazing.
Give it up for James Earl Jones.
706
00:37:31,215 --> 00:37:32,948
But on the plus side,
707
00:37:32,949 --> 00:37:36,454
at least he doesn't have to sit through
that new fucking Mufasa movie.
708
00:37:39,390 --> 00:37:41,924
James Earl Jones
was a walking contradiction.
709
00:37:41,925 --> 00:37:44,362
He was a strong voice
for the Black community,
710
00:37:44,862 --> 00:37:48,666
but he also played Darth Vader,
the most famous deadbeat dad of all time.
711
00:37:50,234 --> 00:37:54,303
James Earl Jones won an Emmy,
a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony,
712
00:37:54,304 --> 00:37:56,639
otherwise known as an EGOT,
713
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,442
as in, "EGOT diabetes and died."
714
00:38:02,747 --> 00:38:05,514
We also lost fitness guru Richard Simmons.
715
00:38:05,515 --> 00:38:06,715
Remember Richard Simmons?
716
00:38:06,716 --> 00:38:07,685
I loved him!
717
00:38:08,219 --> 00:38:09,954
Seventy-six years old.
718
00:38:11,055 --> 00:38:14,091
In his old age,
Richard got a little testy.
719
00:38:14,692 --> 00:38:16,892
"A little testy" also describes
720
00:38:16,893 --> 00:38:19,864
what was always peeking out
of those tighty shorts of his.
721
00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:24,101
Richard Simmons never
officially came out as gay.
722
00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:28,239
But if he wasn't, then
we really have to rethink what gay is.
723
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:31,740
Earlier this year,
724
00:38:31,741 --> 00:38:34,877
a biopic about Richard Simmons
was announced,
725
00:38:34,878 --> 00:38:36,480
starring Pauly Shore.
726
00:38:37,181 --> 00:38:39,517
So we cannot rule out suicide.
727
00:38:44,789 --> 00:38:46,390
And in case you hadn't heard it,
728
00:38:47,792 --> 00:38:51,026
world-renowned sex therapist,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
729
00:38:51,027 --> 00:38:52,797
finally climaxed.
730
00:38:54,632 --> 00:38:58,367
Dr. Ruth is survived by two children,
four grandchildren,
731
00:38:58,368 --> 00:39:01,939
and one dresser drawer
that they're all terrified to open.
732
00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:10,314
Born in Germany, sex therapist
Dr. Ruth survived the Holocaust,
733
00:39:10,881 --> 00:39:13,584
and I think we can all guess
how she did that.
734
00:39:16,220 --> 00:39:17,054
Yeah.
735
00:39:18,222 --> 00:39:21,256
Legend has it she was the only person
at Auschwitz who insisted
736
00:39:21,257 --> 00:39:24,295
her number be tattooed on her lower back.
737
00:39:26,263 --> 00:39:28,299
She called it her "camp stamp".
738
00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:33,771
Everyone, bring me a drink.
Come out here, guys.
739
00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:39,875
Let's all raise a glass, roasters,
740
00:39:39,876 --> 00:39:43,846
to my friends Richard Lewis,
Bob Newhart, San Francisco,
741
00:39:43,847 --> 00:39:46,448
and all the other greats
we lost this year.
742
00:39:46,449 --> 00:39:47,683
How about a big hand...
743
00:39:47,684 --> 00:39:49,585
...for our roasters!
744
00:39:49,586 --> 00:39:51,353
Adam Ray, Ms. Pat,
745
00:39:51,354 --> 00:39:55,157
Tim Dillon, Hannah Berner,
Sam Morril, and Mark Normand!
746
00:39:55,158 --> 00:39:58,562
John Stamos! Wow, I love you guys!
747
00:39:59,296 --> 00:40:02,231
Shout out to my amazing family, our crew!
748
00:40:02,232 --> 00:40:03,499
Thank you, Netflix!
749
00:40:03,500 --> 00:40:05,701
We're almost out of time! No, wait.
750
00:40:05,702 --> 00:40:07,169
Bring it down.
751
00:40:07,170 --> 00:40:09,705
Shout out to
the Baltimore Bridge disaster.
752
00:40:09,706 --> 00:40:10,939
You were incredible.
753
00:40:10,940 --> 00:40:13,041
Exploding beepers in the Middle East,
754
00:40:13,042 --> 00:40:14,743
you guys came out of nowhere.
755
00:40:14,744 --> 00:40:19,348
Astronauts stuck on the space station,
we'll get you next year, I promise.
756
00:40:19,349 --> 00:40:21,984
Aaron Judge, see you at the ball drop.
757
00:40:21,985 --> 00:40:23,419
Gypsy-Rose, sorry about your dad.
758
00:40:23,420 --> 00:40:26,388
Pete, Gisele,
we left you out of this roast.
759
00:40:26,389 --> 00:40:27,291
You're welcome.
760
00:40:27,858 --> 00:40:29,725
To all my Haitian friends in Ohio,
761
00:40:29,726 --> 00:40:31,962
next time, dinner's on me!
762
00:40:32,730 --> 00:40:35,099
To Justin Timberlake, drive home safely.
763
00:40:35,733 --> 00:40:38,534
Taylor and Travis,
I got a diamond guy if you need one.
764
00:40:38,535 --> 00:40:40,838
You can find him
in the Jewish tunnels of Brooklyn.
765
00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:46,008
To JoJo Siwa, Moo Deng, Lizzo,
and all the other Costco Guys,
766
00:40:46,009 --> 00:40:48,510
stay demure, stay mindful,
767
00:40:48,511 --> 00:40:51,313
and I hope you all find
a nice guy in finance,
768
00:40:51,314 --> 00:40:54,483
trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.
769
00:40:54,484 --> 00:40:56,819
To my fans,
I'm sorry I had to bail this year.
770
00:40:56,820 --> 00:41:00,956
I'll be back on the road doing my show,
Take a Banana for the Ride, real soon.
771
00:41:00,957 --> 00:41:04,259
Come see me.
Go see all these comedians live.
772
00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:05,629
They're all incredible.
773
00:41:06,163 --> 00:41:07,431
Incredible.
774
00:41:07,998 --> 00:41:10,466
And if anyone's thinking
about shooting a CEO
775
00:41:10,467 --> 00:41:12,634
to get mentioned on our show next year,
776
00:41:12,635 --> 00:41:14,905
don't do it. That's so last year.
777
00:41:15,439 --> 00:41:18,409
Happy New Year!